Yet on and on we stayed, Lee never made the slightest attempt to speak to me alone, or to leave, and meanwhile, he camped outrageously with everyone he met, was totally absorbed with every potential trick, leaving me desperately insecure and confused. Was I or was I not! How I would have wanted to leave, then and there, alone! But it was too late. The impregnable bastion had been stormed, the heart was taken, and I remained the victim helplessly awaiting the prince's decided torture.

Confusion turned to depression until the darkness of the bar settled entirely and totallly over me. I went madly up to Lee, "Look, I'm leading with my left, but I have to go now, but I'd first like to invite myself over to your place. . . ". . . Oh, I'm sorry, I have a room mate who thinks we're lovers, and I just couldn't do anything in front of him. . ."

Thus came the dismissal! Forget the pinch on the ass-even the Paris mobs were unimpressed with Marie Antoinette's concern that they should eat cakes!

Somehow I found the subway-my body experienced no feeling except the most wretched, numbing pain. I sat and stared-at nothingness-the platform, the station, life itself was lost in this nothingness. Why had I allowed myself to anticipate so much, to become so intensely interested without any secure guarantee. Pete's words were just words-not a court of law in the land would heed them; a court of law indeed!-there is no court, no tribunal in this demiworld. We are all castrated eunuchs subjected to and tormented by life's savage cruelty.

This was not just another thing to choke down, but a pain to emerge from, a shattered and shattering experience to try to rebuild from. Was the rebuilding worth the effort?-was anything worth the effort-even thinking, . . . especially life! I'm not, nor ever have been, suicidally inclined, but at this moment, death was by far not the most unpleasant alternative to lifeless non-existenceif only the death could come from outside forces. And indeed, a form of death was being born.

Sleep came, easily for I was so terribly tired. But as the morning music forced its way into my consciousness, I became aware of but one thing: the Pain. The blissful oblivion of sleep was slowly squeezed out by increasing awareness of reality. "This is not fair-the pain's supposed to be gone the morning after!"

I could have called it from the rooftops with as much success. Pain, like water, meets its own level and remains on the rampage until it alone decides to subside.

The day began anew-some bashful blossoms were appearing on the trees -life gave great promise-but a little less of life began the empty ceremonies of existence.

Somehow the day was endured--Lee, however, kept asserting himself into my unwilling yet desperately longing consciousness. If Pete had only said nothing-if Lee had only not been so careless in his regrets-had he not camped so with everyone he met-had I not been so careless in self-restraint! I was nothing to this individual whom I had hoped would become a meaningful part of my life, whom I had hoped would make my life so much more meaningful. Lee, Lee, Lee!

Did I hate you? Did I love you? Could I kill you? Would this "thing" kill me? What was it-why was it so disturbing-if only life could be passive. Yet all too frequently some disturbance-threatening and frightful-must needs